I feel hungry all. of. the. time.
I clearly eat more than my body needs.
I am clearly greedy.
I think about food more than is strictly necessary.
I spend most of our family budget on food.
I can see my children beginning to view food as I do.
Food is the answer to most of the problems we face individually.
Bored? …eat food
Deserve a reward?…eat food
Feel like you don’t deserve anything?…eat food
Why am I writing all of this? Because, honestly, it makes me sound like a greedy numpty, who has nothing better to do than eat her way through life. The thing that scares me the most is watching all of my children on the same path. And I know, that unless I do something to change the rhetoric, I can’t expect or even ask the rest of my family to.
I eat enough in a day to feed a starving child in Syria for a week, maybe even longer.
That feeling of hunger is more overpowering than any emotion. It eats away at me. It causes me to eat more than I need; to spend more money on food than I need; to give food a place in my life it doesn’t deserve. Even when I’m not hungry, I am.
Each day I feel like I am going to war with myself. And you know what? There will never be a winner. I might make healthy choices, but then there is an ache inside of me as if I have a need which has not been fulfilled. Or worse, I might let that side of me make the choices: choices which are not so healthy, choices I need not to make because they play havoc with my future health. Those choices make me feel good in the minute. Really good. Like I could conquer the world good. But minutes later the self loathing begins.
I am literally at war with myself. But in this war there is only losers, and no winners. Even if I manage to go days or weeks making only good choices, the feeling of victory never comes. Because there is a part of me which remains hungry. And hunger is a thing.